In this example I took a short writing sample and made it shorter, more concise, and easier to read. The readability statistics of the original sample and my revision of it are included.

Original Sample

As you know, we use electronics to process freight and documentation. We are in the process of having terminals placed in the export departments of some of our major customers around the country so they may keep track of all their shipments within our system. I would like to propose a similar tracking mechanism for your company. We could handle all of your export traffic from your locations around the country and monitor these exports with a terminal located in your home office. This could have many advantages for you. You could generate an export invoice in your export department, which could be transmitted via the computer to our office. You could trace your shipments more readily. This would allow you to determine rating fees more accurately. Finally, your accounting department would benefit. All in all, your export operations would achieve greater efficiency.

Revised Sample

We electronically document freight information. We place our terminals in our major customers’ export departments so that they can use our system to keep track of what they have shipped. Your company ought to track shipments the same way.

The system would keep track of the data from your various work sites and you could access it all from your main office. This could benefit you in many ways. For example, you could create an invoice in your export department and then electronically send the data to our office. You could easily track what you have shipped and thus more accurately determine shipping rates and fees. Our tracking system would help you conduct and record exports more efficiently.


Assignment source - Gerson, Sharon J., and Steven M. Gerson. Technical Communication: Process and Product. 6th ed. New Jersey: Upper Saddle River, 2008. Print.