This is an example where I revised a company memo to make it clearer. The original memo contained words and phrases that are not necessarily appropriate in professionl communication. I re-phrased the errors so as to make the letter more effective in an office environment.

Original

TO: Andre Castro, Barcelona; Sunyun Wang, Singapore; Nachman Sumani, Tel Aviv

FROM: Ron Schaefer, New York

SUBJECT: Brainstorming

I need to pick your brains, fellows. We’ve got a big one coming up, a killer deal with a major European player. Before I can make the pitch, however, let’s brainstorm solutions. The client needs a proposal by 12/11/08, so I need your input before that date. Give me your ideas about the following:

  1. What should we charge for our product, if the client buys in bulk?
  2. What’s our turnaround time for production? I know that your people tend to work slowly, so can you hurry the team up if I promise delivery in six weeks?

    3. E-mail me your feedback by tomorrow, 1:00 P.M. my time, at the latest. Trust me, guys. If we boot this one, everyone’s bonuses will be in a sling.

    Revision

    TO: Andre Castro, Barcelona; Sunyun Wang, Singapore; Nachman Sumani, Tel Aviv

    FROM: Ron Schaefer, New York

    SUBJECT: Questions about a New Deal

    I have some questions for you. We have a potential new deal with a major European company. Before I can make the deal, however, I need some input from you. The client needs a proposal by December 11, 2008 so I need your input before that date. Give me your ideas about the following:

    1. What should we charge for our product, if the client buys in bulk?
    2. What is our schedule for production? If I promise delivery in six weeks could we meet that time frame?

      3. E-mail me your ideas, comments, and suggestions by tomorrow, 1:00 P.M. Eastern Time, at the latest.

      Assignment source - Gerson, Sharon J., and Steven M. Gerson. Technical Communication: Process and Product. 6th ed. New Jersey: Upper Saddle River, 2008. Print.